hello, again, again

Written by Patrick J Turner Jr

Published on October 13th, 2025

Good morning. It is currently 6 AM, Monday, October the 13th. I woke up early today for two reasons. First, I have a dentist appointment at 7:30 AM before I go to work at 8:30 AM. Second, and typically the only reason I'm ever up early, is because my cat Chomsky was knocking shit off my desk at 5 AM.

After picking him up and placing him on the ground I got back in bed and found myself restless. I wandered aimlessly through my mind as my brain shook off its sleep and began to think again. The early morning is a spiritual time. It was made for reflection and renewal in a way the late night was not. After waking up a little more I picked up my phone and cleared my notifications for the morning.

I recently got a new phone because I dropped my old phone while riding a damn Lime scooter to a Beyblade themed rave with my friend Noah. The screen had been broken for a while such that when a notification went off the bottom eighth of the screen flashbanged anyone looking at it. Both my manager and my girlfriend got a real kick out of it. This time the screen broke such that I couldn't use it at all. I had to plug in a USB mouse just to transfer the files off of it (thank god Android lets you do that sort of thing).

Anyways, I was able to successfully transfer over pretty much all my files from the old phone, including the extensive personal notes I have kept since late high school. This morning, I absentmindedly went through my notes and was struck by several things.

Mainly I was amazed at how well I had preserved my state of mind throughout high school and college without really even trying. I suppose that's a side effect of carrying devices that catalog every moment of our lives for years at a time. In my notes I saw to do lists left uncompleted. I saw plans with old friends and coworkers that never came to fruition. I saw an old lease I got kicked out of. I read long, winding screeds I wrote while high on (admittedly great) weed. There were snippets of every blog post and short story I could never bring myself to fully write out.

Confronted with this mass of things unfinished, I thought of how much I have changed in the past couple years. These notes, still a part of me, are proof that I am defined both by what I have done, and that which I haven't done. A recurring theme throughout the 7(!) years of notes I went through was a lamenting over my inability to connect with people, or to see things through to their conclusion. I have always had eyes bigger than my stomach. More ideas than I know what to do with. More crushes than I could ever act on. I have loved everyone more than I could ever say and hated myself more deeply than I could ever show.

All that thinking brought me here, to the website I made after graduating college to document my thoughts and photos as I navigated life as a new adult. It's sat here mostly empty for almost three years. That's mostly because of my aforementioned inability to follow through on my intentions. However, it's also because I was stuck in this repetitive, self-destructive cycle for a couple years after college. My routine had become going to work at a job I hate, coming home, smoking weed, scrolling Twitter, eating some fast food, and then spiraling about how screwed I was for smoking or being stuck in a dead end job or being unable to get myself out of the hole I felt I was digging for myself.

Sometimes I tried writing about it. Sometimes that writing ended up here. Always, inevitably, I would end up wiping the blog clean a few days later out of sheer embarrassment that I had shared so much of myself on the open internet. I couldn't change and I couldn't share my struggles effectively with anyone. I was stuck.

Gradually, I started to give half a damn about myself and decided to stop smoking (as much). I started building out my resume to angle for a higher paying job. I stopped eating out and started cooking more. I put more time into my hobbies. Throughout it all I felt like a total fraud, but before I knew it I had become someone new. Of course, I still have trouble communicating and following through on things. I don't talk to people as much as I should and I still have plenty of things to work on. And yet now I feel a peace with myself I could not have dreamed of even a year ago. I have cut myself slack and forgiven myself for my myriad mistakes. I am happy most days.

This morning, while swaddled up on the couch in the dark cold of my apartment, I decided to write this blog post. In some way, I've been writing this blog post for the past three years. I think I've finally gained the confidence and self-respect not to delete it. I have decided I want to reach greater heights. I want to finish what I intend to do, to care for everyone and myself, and to communicate how I feel. This is my declaration of self for this moment, and a setting of intentions for what I want to become.

It is now 7 AM. I am going to go get my teeth cleaned.