messages to nowhere

Written by Patrick J Turner Jr

Published on June 28th, 2026

Today I volunteered at the pride festival in downtown Raleigh to help out a friend's cheer group. They were going around the festival distracting from Christian protesters by doing cheerleading stunts. The athleticism and caring they displayed for the community was very moving. For my part, I followed them around cheering them on and taking pictures on my friend's camera. I hope to see the photos soon. I think they turned out pretty well. Always watching...

While walking around the festival I happened to see a few of my coworkers. So I did what I always do when I see my coworkers in the office. I tried to pretend not to notice they were there. A normal person might have said hello, fancy seeing you here, or even just done a friendly wave. Insead, I tried to avoid them while secretly hoping they would notice me and say something first. How's that for a well adjusted adult?

I think I'm always waiting for someone else to make the first move. Always hoping someone will do it so I don't have to.

Even with the other members of the cheer team I kept quiet. Over 7 hours outside with them today and I didn't say much outside of our initial introduction circle started by the team captain. I made no effort to interact with them. I could have introduced myself and tried to make conversation. That's what a normal person might do. Instead, I tried to tell myself that it's just the way I'm wired. And maybe that's true. I am an introvert to a fault like my mother before me. Surely I can't help that being around people drains me. On the other hand, it feels like an excuse to me. An easy out to avoid the challenge of trying to get better.

It feels like I'm at war with myself. One half wanting to avoid any difficulties and continue on with business as usual, and the other recognizing my struggles and wanting to improve. I realized that it seems like I only ever write on here when I'm high or dissociating. Same with journaling these days, I've fallen out of the practice of doing it daily and now can only pick up the pen when I'm not in a typical state of mind. It's like it's the only way I can get inside my own head anymore.

A couple years ago after graduating college, I was staying at my parents house and sleeping in my childhood bed. Feeling aimless, I took some psychedelic mushrooms I had laying around. Not too many, but enough to feel high as I watched lore videos on YouTube. It felt like regressing back to my high school self when I would endlessly watch YouTube and play video games in my darkened room upstairs. Despite my growth throughout college and my early 20s, I still am that same lonely kid self soothing through these autistic rituals. I interface with him directly when I get inside my own head.

I feel as though I am getting too old to keep falling on my own sword like this. Something has to give. I can't keep feeling disappointed with my failure to connect with other people. My family, friends, coworkers. I need to talk to someone, my fiance, a trusted friend, a therapist for gods sake. Lord knows I've looked into therapy before slowly returning to business as usual, convincing myself I don't actually need it. Instead I write these messages to nowhere.

Change is hard. Wanting change fully with my whole self is hard. I am afraid of other people and of expressing myself to them. I always have been, I just hope I don't always have to be.